the zhaf speaks

Tuesday, December 30, 2003:

this part of the journey ends soon

concluding my reading of volume 1 of david mack's kabuki comic was an indelibly epiphanous moment, definitely an occurrence of note this year. talk about arriving in the 11th hour, at least some things come full circle as the last day of 2003 begins. how ironic it is then, the volume i read was uncannily titled 'circle of blood'. just one of the several (seven in fact) titles i purchased using 20% off coupons from kino. thoroughly satisfied with my purchases.

the year whizzed by, i've only just begun to really take notice.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 10:16 am

______________________

Monday, December 29, 2003:

tick-tock

perhaps i'll be waiting for as long as it takes for rain to fall in the parched sahara desert. i'm not thirsty for it in the sense that i need it. the clockwork automaton that is life will continue to crank regardless (of it's attainment). but of course, it would be nice to have it. well, to attain true happiness in life it is necessary to draw obvious boundaries between one's wants and needs, then you will realise that we don't really need very much. stop coveting, being dissatisfied. noone died from not getting something they wanted so very much.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 12:29 pm

______________________

Wednesday, December 24, 2003:

bygones... will be bygones

on hindsight, with few exceptions, ignoring that nagging compulsion in my gut always leads to ruin of some sort. but things work out because they were meant to be that way. in spite of the nebulous nature of tomorrow's tidings, i refuse to dwell in speculative stupor. i relinquish my time and energies within certain limits in the hope of providing means sufficient to accomplishing certain ends, both significant and trivial, and beyond that observe and eventually accept the chaos as it unfurls around me. so perhaps the time has come for me to cease the callow act of asking "what if?" in the context of the past.

merry xmas ppl. i hope it's a good one for y'all. mine could have been better, as with most things in our lives. i'll be content with my lot.
i am so drained, i have given so very much. in the past i'd be close to breaking, but not now. perhaps that's the only change of note and worth that has occurred in me this year.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 1:20 pm

______________________

Tuesday, December 23, 2003:

of days gone by

not very easy to gloss over the past. never know when it'll come back to haunt you. but i am glad that the anguished moments of days gone by are distant glimmers that have lost their sting. our past defines us, take it away and you are left hollow, lacking an identity. how ironic it is that something so vital warps into an unwieldy contrivance, holding us back by paralyzing us with fear.

a game with no hard and fast rules. with big stakes. plenty to lose but very much more to gain. that's life. but sometimes we focus too much on the subplot, blinding us to the big picture. and though we lose small battles here and there, the war is rarely ever over and lost.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 9:11 am

______________________

Saturday, December 13, 2003:

perspectives

the over-inflated dread of a negative outcome often gives rise to inordinately large amounts of self-imposed pressure. the questions you ask yourself, "what if i don't make the shot?" "what if i fail?" "what if i screw up?". seemingly harmless speculation that eventually drags you down into the murky territory called failure. the emphasis shouldn't be on the outcome, whatever it may be. there will always be winners and there will always be losers. we should try to take pleasure in the process, in the attempt itself because the results will always (without exception) take care of themselves.

i believe we can win. but if you cannot think of it as training to win, then think of it as training real hard. the moment you think our efforts are futile then we've already lost, we really would be training for naught.

i'm starting to look beyond expectations; you can't reduce the whole process to win or lose. the outcome is a consequence of the process, so surrender to the process, give it your everything, lose yourself in it. play hard, play smart. do that and God knows how far we'll go.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:04 am

______________________

Wednesday, December 10, 2003:

i dream

of a great many things. of late my slumber has been rife wif wondrous images. ethereal n otherworld, yet sumhow real. indeed e 2 seem irreconciliable, but sumhow of late my dreams haf been as such. i'm blissfully blithe n rather full of mirth cos of it all. such rich imagery, replete wif colour, detail, a fusillade of discovery comin at me all at once, bombardin my senses. feelin a myriad of different emotions all at once, it's been way too long. i awoke on e brink of tears, my final dream last nite was peculiarly poignant n my heart strings were left reverberatin long after. n then there was u. e last time i held someone's hand i cried my heart out. dis time it was unbridled happiness n elation. a quaint familiarity, coziness so great i reeli cud lose myself in its depths. reinvigorated. tragically transient, but upliftin.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:50 am

______________________

Sunday, December 07, 2003:

reinstatement

dis corner of e web's been in stasis for a fair amt of time. more den one wk since my previous post which is an inordinately long amt of time, e longest period my blog's experienced a dearth of input from yours truly. they sae e readin on e blog-o-meter is inversely proportional to how active u r in e other domains of ur life, i've proven tt wrong cos nothin much's been happenin imho.

trainin last thurs was truly a reminder tt e bball team still has much to improve on. playin wif e ri sec4s was truly an eyeopener, legendary players wif transmundane ball skills like gab pang n hongyi cleaved thru our defense like a knife thru butter. e gulf between what we r now n our hallowed vision for e team isn't insurmountable. however u put it, we've only had coach erikson for 3-4 weeks. we've only been trainin properly for a month or so, compared to players who've done so for yrs. obviously tt makes a difference. but with pure determination, grit, dedication n a first-rate coach like erikson i feel we're makin reasonably large strides. it's been a perennial belief of mine since i joined rj bball tt we can make it. i still believe it wif pride, fervour n ardour more intense den a hot saharan midday. i'm proud of my teammates who work hard. don't ever sae we can't make it, cos we can. don't think u r, know u r, show u r.

fridae i juz felt plain lazy n kinda skipped goin to dover hospice. in a way i felt like it wud haf been same ol', same ol' if i'd gone. cos reeli similar scenarios everydae. din help tt i'm not well versed enuff in all e technicalities to reeli benefit from shadowin ard e doctors on their round. still, they've imparted a more humane outlook on medical treatment. i'll hold on tight to it, it'll be wif me all e days of my life. btw in e end it's a cryin shame if ur doin stuff u simply don't believe in. screw e system n e whole friggin establishment. do e right thing, not wat everyone else does, not wat e establishment tells u to.

saturdae n i was finally exonerated from dover hospice. but, sigh, yes but i woke up at 520am to get to sch for 645am trainin. e 2nd wave of onslaught had begun, out of e fryin pan n into e fire. but hell yea it was a gd trainin, wif all e new j1s bolsterin our ranks, steppin in for e ppl who went overseas like e prc bballers n looknsee cj. trainin on sat marked a turnin pt, cos coach raised e bar slightly at dis trainin n will probably continue to do so. after chillin out over lunch went home, hardly gettin any sleep bfore violin lesson commenced. after tt a miniscule of sleep bfore attendin a violin concert wif my family. wait still more to come, i headed to zouk after tt. u muz tink i'm mad by now. zouk wasn't too great seriously, esp since we were promised RnB but given anythin but tt. so me minli evita n ziyi cabbed down to embassy to groove to sum all out RnB. it was rather farcical, how i got in usin yeow kuan's id. to put things in perspective, he organised e party so basically e staff there knew him. which makes me wonder y e bouncer let me in, cos i din look a scintilla like him. den again, in a way his id wif another person prob read "preferential treatment to be given". perhaps? well pointless speculation reeli. i partied my ass off at embassy, even when moonlight shadow at around 4am heralded techno for e rest of e night. believe me i was dead tired after tt, but still managed to grab a small breakfast at e prata shop across my hse. juz when i thought i could haf downtime, mom asked me to do sum chores e moment i stepped thru e door. so yes now we're at sunday.

sunday was a day of spasmodic slumber, interspersed wif visits from relatives, chores, n e usual stuff like meals n baths.

i can't for e life of me remember wat happened from mon to wed, thurs was something tho. e chinablack party was qt fun, cept when e dj spun pop hits like skater boi. howard came over to sleep after tt, had a great time catchin up e guy, truly amazin e comfort old frens offer.

fri, metro cip, fuck. i was half dead e whole time cos i din sleep well after chinablack.

saturdae was a whole dae of bball, we'll discuss tt in detail later on
sundae comes round, a whirlwind of relatives, droppin on by, did some visitin myself. night bball which was rather hilarious

mondae, recovered from all e wkend's exertions, den trooped down to mambo at night for e weekly tournament. din do myself justice by givin awae 2 games when it was juz me n e 9 ball left, my opponent eventually reached semis. we'll see how it goes nxt week.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 10:32 am

______________________